Archive for July, 2008

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A Brief Interjection About Shit You Don’t Care About

July 31, 2008

I know no one gives a rat’s hoo ha what I dreamed last night but you’re a captive audience so what the hell. I dreamed about coffee. I was in some woman’s apartment and she gave me coffee and it was the best coffee in the world, ever, no debate. Don’t even try to contradict me, you will lose.

It just was.

Better than Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts or McDonalds or even Tim Horton’s. There I said it.

Yes, it was that good. Thing is, it wasn’t coffee-like at all. It was thick like a milk shake and filled with crushed up chunks of chocolate, which just goes to validate my “Best ever” claim. Anything filled with chunks of chocolate automatically skips the line to the top of Awesomeland. The fact it wasn’t coffee at all is a small, unimportant detail.

The woman told me it came from Japan and I could order it online for only $9.99 shipping. I was pee-my-pants excited. It’s ok though, I woke up dry. The end.

See how exciting my life is, people? Don’t you wish you were me?

In other news I have eaten so much cake in the past six weeks I am thinking of buying sweatpants which were previously on my “Not even if I was stoned and lobotomized” list, just to give the waist band of my jeans a well-earned rest. Thing is, cake feels so good. Exercise feels not so good and I’m doing one of those things more than the other. Hmmm.

I also have a love of Ritz crackers that will not be denied.

Ok, get back to it, you’re supposed to be working you know, slacker.

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Things That Go Bump in the…Bathroom?

July 29, 2008

Something caught my eye when I went into the bathroom tonight. It was this little guy, up against the wall by the sink.

You want to believe

You want to believe

He was very still. He was jammed up against the wall trying to be as stealth as possible. He almost got away with it too.

I didn’t let him know I saw him. I’ve been an alien in a strange land myself and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings when he was working so hard to be unseen. But have you any idea how hard it is to pee when an alien is watching you?

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Ten Photos From My Work Computer

July 24, 2008

I’m sure you all wonder on a daily basis what sort of pictures I have kept on my work PC.  Well I did some research into this and let me show you dear friends.  Some of them baffle even me.

1. ARAFAT AND A PICKLE

and why not...

and why not...

No computer is complete without a photo of a hapless dictator and a pickled legume.  Even if it is the result of a cunning photoshop.

2STUFF YOU MIGHT NEVER WANT TO BUY

Not even if I was hammered

Not even if I was hammered

Everyone’s dreamed about their ideal candy flavor.  However, I’m not sure ass fits into my candy fantasy… Unless it’s eating candy of some hottie’s ass and even then, EW.

3. A PUSSY EATS A PUSSY

Again, who cares if it’s Photoshopped, it’s CLASSIC.

4. CHEESY, GRINNING HUMAN IN GIANT VAGINA

Vagina Man never needs to ask for directions

Vagina Man never needs to ask for directions

5. MORE STUFF YOU CAN AVOID EATING

And you are welcome to it, Esse

And you are welcome to it, Esse

6. SMOOTH GUY IN CHAPS

Sometimes this stuff writes itself…

7. MAKING FUN OF MORONS

Not really the hilarious captions they could’ve come up with but a giant “A” for “Attempt at belittling a homophobic idiot”.

8.  HUH?

WTF?

WTF?

9.  STUFF WE NEED DESPERATELY

I could drive in either lane

I could drive in either lane

10. MORE STUFF YOU MAY FIND UNAPPETIZING

No thank you.  Really.

No thank you. Really.

And I only reached files started with “L”!

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This Just In: Sushi Tastes Like Ass

July 22, 2008

What is people’s fascination with Sushi?  I don’t get it.  People love Sushi.  They swear by it.  It’s something that’s totally passed me by, and believe me, the Guv’ner loves food!

Of course I AM vegetarian….but even the little veggie California rolls are pretty horrible if you ask me.  Which you didn’t.

My question is, who wants to eat Sushi when you could be eating cake or potato salad, or grilled cheese, or chocolate or a nice tasty salad or yogurt or a trifle or practically anything that isn’t raw fish?

Go on, tell me all about the error of my ways.

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Checking In

July 17, 2008

Good golly miss Molly, I’m a lazy Guv’ner.  I get this new blog all set up and I don’t post anything because my life has been all crazy and I have momentarily lost all my funny.  If I had it to begin with.  If you see it please return it to me, immediately.  You’ll recognize it as it will be a bloody stump crying by a road side somewhere.

So obviously I may have lost the funny but I still haven’t lost the ability to type absurd and obnoxious things or talk about myself in the third person.

I have a little headache today I’ve been cultivating all day.  I’ve tried to caffeinate it and swallowed some Tylenol but it’s insistent on staying.  It may be the very entity that’s stolen the funny.  I don’t know.

Also someone might want to tell me why iTunes is such a little bitch.  I download all my music from my iPod to my current computer and the computer won’t let me play any of the music that I bought from iTunes, even though I’m using iTunes.  It’s not “authorized”.  WTF?  I paid for those songs therefore I should own them like I would a CD.  I should be able to play them whenever and wherever I damn well please, you Hitleresque buffoons.  Apple sucks.  I will go on record as saying this.  If anyone knows of a way I can get those 200 songs to play somehow without having to re-purchase them or download them free illegally, be sure to let me know, otherwise I’m going to go steal them and beat someone up at Apple till their innards explode.

Fuckers.  Goddamn iTunes.