Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

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The Guv’ner is Whining Again

September 11, 2008

I’m sick of all the “Never Forget!” nonsense around regarding September 11th. I lived in Lower Manhattan on 9/11/01 so you can bet your ass I’m not going to be forgetting that day and neither is anyone else, fool.

What I was going to talk about instead was how travel changed after 9/11 and continues to affect us today – all those crazy security measures brought in by a desperate administration, to allegedly make our lives safer. See, I’m conflicted on it. Part of me thinks it’s irritating but it’s best to just get on with it and the other part is all indignant and belligerent at the pettiness of some of those measures.

I’m all for safe air travel. I don’t really give a rat’s ass if I have to wait in line ten minutes longer so they can screen bags a little closer. I don’t even begrudge taking off my shoes even though I appear to always be wearing lurid yellow socks with stars on and my toes poking through or something equally offensive on such occasions.

I don’t understand the anger. Some of the rules for traveling by air are stupid, there’s no denying it, but they are rules nonetheless and you arguing at a checkpoint about having to throw away your Diet Coke is not going to change the rules, it’s merely going to get you an argument and angry glares from the people in line behind you, who want you dead. You know what the rules are, they’re annoying but they’re not hard and they’ve been around for years now. You cannot bring liquids through security, it’s not a secret. Yes, it might be stupid but it’s the law. And don’t whine when some idiot insists you take off your shoes, just take them off and walk on through. It’s over in seconds, you’re on your sweet way and your argument is never going to win anyway.

One thing does puzzle me. What’s the actual POINT of the liquids ban in carry on bags? I truly don’t get it. You can take 3oz of each liquid on board with you, so long as they’re in a Ziploc bag but what if you are smuggling explosives in six teensy little bottles in one of those bags, can the Ziploc magically contain a blast should they detonate? Then WTF?

Also annoying – the TSA’s illogical confiscation procedures. You can take a cigarette lighter on the plane with you but you’ll confiscate my eyelash curler? Is it really a threat to national security? Am I going to hijack a jet by threatening to make the pilot look like Shirley Temple?

Equally puzzling to me is why people need their whole house on the plane with them to begin with. Take an iPod, a book, your wallet and your documents, homey, anyone who can’t do without a travel iron, an alarm clock, numerous hair appliances and the entire contents of their bedroom during a six hour flight, is a retard and you can quote me on that. Check that shit please. Although, now thanks to the new ‘pay-per-checked-bag’ rule coming in on most US airlines, we’ll have to deal with more idiots with enormous carry on bags blocking the overheads and making lines (and complaints) even longer at security. I can hardly wait.

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The BBC is Classy

August 8, 2008

Woman, 90, fulfils ‘thong’ wish

A 90-year-old woman saw her dreams come true when she was served fish and chips by a man dressed only in a thong and a see-through apron.

The St Austell care home resident’s fantasy was fulfilled by Cornwall Care, as part of its Make a Wish initiative.

The “dish of the day” was served by a male member of staff who volunteered to act as her waiter at Woodland House.

After the meal, the resident said: “I thoroughly enjoyed my fish and chips served by the half naked man.”

Those crazy-assed seniors.

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Quick and Dirty (AKA: Paris Hilton’s Nickname)

August 4, 2008

I love this Yahoo News headline: Paris Hilton’s mom calls McCain ad “waste of money”

I love it because:

a) who gives a flying fuck what Paris Hilton’s whiny mom says about anything, ever? The most interesting thing she ever did was be the sister of that blonde chick who was in the Witch Mountain movies in the seventies

b)You make a headline for giving your opinion but the news stations don’t think you’re worthy of being called by your own name and call you “Paris Hilton’s mom” because if they wrote “Kathy Hilton” everyone would be like, “Who the eff is that?” Still, a diseased skank being more news worthy than you has to be humbling I guess

and:

c) I doubt Mr. McCain is losing any sleep over your (I’m sure) expert thesis-like critique of his ad campaign.

The only thing I like about McCain is his oven fries and those Deep and Delicious cakes. Mmmmm.

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A Brief Interjection About Shit You Don’t Care About

July 31, 2008

I know no one gives a rat’s hoo ha what I dreamed last night but you’re a captive audience so what the hell. I dreamed about coffee. I was in some woman’s apartment and she gave me coffee and it was the best coffee in the world, ever, no debate. Don’t even try to contradict me, you will lose.

It just was.

Better than Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts or McDonalds or even Tim Horton’s. There I said it.

Yes, it was that good. Thing is, it wasn’t coffee-like at all. It was thick like a milk shake and filled with crushed up chunks of chocolate, which just goes to validate my “Best ever” claim. Anything filled with chunks of chocolate automatically skips the line to the top of Awesomeland. The fact it wasn’t coffee at all is a small, unimportant detail.

The woman told me it came from Japan and I could order it online for only $9.99 shipping. I was pee-my-pants excited. It’s ok though, I woke up dry. The end.

See how exciting my life is, people? Don’t you wish you were me?

In other news I have eaten so much cake in the past six weeks I am thinking of buying sweatpants which were previously on my “Not even if I was stoned and lobotomized” list, just to give the waist band of my jeans a well-earned rest. Thing is, cake feels so good. Exercise feels not so good and I’m doing one of those things more than the other. Hmmm.

I also have a love of Ritz crackers that will not be denied.

Ok, get back to it, you’re supposed to be working you know, slacker.

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Things That Go Bump in the…Bathroom?

July 29, 2008

Something caught my eye when I went into the bathroom tonight. It was this little guy, up against the wall by the sink.

You want to believe

You want to believe

He was very still. He was jammed up against the wall trying to be as stealth as possible. He almost got away with it too.

I didn’t let him know I saw him. I’ve been an alien in a strange land myself and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings when he was working so hard to be unseen. But have you any idea how hard it is to pee when an alien is watching you?

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Ten Photos From My Work Computer

July 24, 2008

I’m sure you all wonder on a daily basis what sort of pictures I have kept on my work PC.  Well I did some research into this and let me show you dear friends.  Some of them baffle even me.

1. ARAFAT AND A PICKLE

and why not...

and why not...

No computer is complete without a photo of a hapless dictator and a pickled legume.  Even if it is the result of a cunning photoshop.

2STUFF YOU MIGHT NEVER WANT TO BUY

Not even if I was hammered

Not even if I was hammered

Everyone’s dreamed about their ideal candy flavor.  However, I’m not sure ass fits into my candy fantasy… Unless it’s eating candy of some hottie’s ass and even then, EW.

3. A PUSSY EATS A PUSSY

Again, who cares if it’s Photoshopped, it’s CLASSIC.

4. CHEESY, GRINNING HUMAN IN GIANT VAGINA

Vagina Man never needs to ask for directions

Vagina Man never needs to ask for directions

5. MORE STUFF YOU CAN AVOID EATING

And you are welcome to it, Esse

And you are welcome to it, Esse

6. SMOOTH GUY IN CHAPS

Sometimes this stuff writes itself…

7. MAKING FUN OF MORONS

Not really the hilarious captions they could’ve come up with but a giant “A” for “Attempt at belittling a homophobic idiot”.

8.  HUH?

WTF?

WTF?

9.  STUFF WE NEED DESPERATELY

I could drive in either lane

I could drive in either lane

10. MORE STUFF YOU MAY FIND UNAPPETIZING

No thank you.  Really.

No thank you. Really.

And I only reached files started with “L”!

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This Just In: Sushi Tastes Like Ass

July 22, 2008

What is people’s fascination with Sushi?  I don’t get it.  People love Sushi.  They swear by it.  It’s something that’s totally passed me by, and believe me, the Guv’ner loves food!

Of course I AM vegetarian….but even the little veggie California rolls are pretty horrible if you ask me.  Which you didn’t.

My question is, who wants to eat Sushi when you could be eating cake or potato salad, or grilled cheese, or chocolate or a nice tasty salad or yogurt or a trifle or practically anything that isn’t raw fish?

Go on, tell me all about the error of my ways.